jwp_logo.gif (3595 bytes)Humor to lighten your day

Here you will find humorous stories, lists, saying, and such. Many of these were sent to me by friends. If you have one you would like considered for inclusion please send it to me at

Interesting, but useless facts
A Short Intelligence Test
Questions To Ponder
If Women Ruled The World
Think About It
Car allergic to vanilla ice cream
On of those days (visual humor)
What my mother taught me (PowerPoint presentation will open in a new window)
Words Women Use: Explanations for men (opens in a new wondow)


Interesting, but useless facts

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building  it has   about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls  off the   twentieth floor.  It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat  to   realize  what is occurring, relax and correct itself.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks  otherwise it   will digest itself.

101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon  features   with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the  movie.

'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left  hand.

To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its  eyeballs -   it will let you go instantly.

Reindeer like to eat bananas.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver and  purple.

The word "samba" means "to rub navels together."

Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War  II killed   the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie

 


A Short Intelligence Test

This is the Official Moron Test. -- Courtesy of Sylvester Ryals
It's based upon typical graduation requirements at "The University of Hard Knocks"  It separates the dumb people from the really dumb people.       Answer the following 13 questions, then scroll down and  check your answers.  DON'T CHEAT!!!  When you are done,   count the number correct and see how you compare to others.
 
      OK, here we go......

        1. Is there a 4th of July in England?  Yes or no?
        2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
        3. Some months have 31 days.  How many have 28?
        4. How many outs are there in an inning?
        5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's
            sister?
        6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10.
            What do you get?
        7. There are 3 apples and you take two away.   How many apples
            are you left with?
        8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one
           every half an hour.  How long will the pills last?
        9. A farmer has 17 sheep.  All but 9 of them die.  How many
           sheep are left?
       10. How many animals of each sex did Moses bring with him
           on the ark?
       11. A butcher in the market is 5'-10" tall.   What does he weigh?
       12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?
       13. What was the President's name in 1960?





                         **** NO CHEATING ****

        So how do you think you did?   Here are the answers....

        1. Yes.  It comes right after the 3rd.
        2. One (1).  You can only be born once.
        3. Twelve (12).  All of them have at least 28 days.
        4. Six (6).  Don't forget there is a top and bottom to every inning.
        5. No.  He must be dead if it is his widow!
        6. Seventy (70).  30 divided by 1/2 is 60.
        7. Two (2).  You take two apple...therefore, YOU have  TWO apples.
        8. One hour.  If you take the first pill at 1:00, the second at 1:30, and the third at 2:00,
            the pills have run out and only an hour has passed.
        9. Nine (9).  Like we said, all BUT nine die.
       10. None.  Moses didn't have an ark!
       11. Meat...that is self-explanatory.
       12. Twelve (12).  How many eggs are in a dozen? TWELVE...it's a dozen!
       13. Bill Clinton.  As far as we know, he hasn't changed his name.


       So, how did you do?

       13 correct....GENIUS....you are good!
       10-12 correct....ABOVE AVERAGE....but don't let it go to your head
        7-9 correct....AVERAGE....but who wants to be average?
        4-6 correct....SLOW....pay attention to the question
        1-3 correct....IDIOT....what else can we say
         0 correct....CONGRATULATIONS, you are a certified MORON!!!!


Questions To Ponder

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in   charge of everything outdoors?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"  She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?


IF WOMEN RULED THE WORLD..
(the way life SHOULD be)

Medical research money would be spent on developing new birth control methods for men.
  
Baby-sitting, doing dishes and making beds would be considered "Macho".
  
Fewer women would be dieting because the ideal weight standard would  increase   by 40 pounds.
  
PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
  
Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
  
Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
  
"Ms Magazine" would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
  
Men who designed women's shoes would be forced to wear them.
  
Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
  
Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of  the credit.
  
Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks".
  
Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women make.

Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.

Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
  
Men would pay as much attention to their women as their cars.
 
All toilet seats would be nailed down.
 
Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.

TV news segments on sports would never run longer than one minute.
  
All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
  
During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year old boys.
  
After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.
  
For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.
  
Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.


Can My Dog Stay Here?

Another one from Arlene

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote:

        I would very much like to bring my dog with me.   He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And
I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too.


Think About It

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a  train stops.   On my desk I have a work station...
 
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
 
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
 
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
  
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
 
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot   more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming   for their finals.
 
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny  spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps   toothpicks? (no offense k? )
 
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in  case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Good Doctor.
 
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just   put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look   for them while they delivered the mail?


Car allergic to vanilla ice cream

For the engineers among us who understand that the obvious is not always the solution, and that the facts, no matter how implausible, are still the facts ...

A complaint was received by the Pontiac Division of General Motors:

"This is the second time I have written you, and I don't blame you for not answering me, because I kind of sounded crazy, but it is a fact that we have a tradition in our family of ice cream for dessert
after dinner each night. But the kind of ice cream varies so, every night, after we've eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of ice cream we should have and I drive down to the store to get it. It's
also a fact that I recently purchased a new Pontiac and since then my trips to the store have created a problem. You see, every time I buy vanilla ice cream, when I start back from the store my car won't start. If I get any other kind of ice cream, the car starts just fine. I want you to know I'm serious about this question, no matter how silly it sounds: 'What is there about a Pontiac that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever I get any other kind?'"

The Pontiac President was understandably skeptical about the letter, but sent an engineer to check it out anyway. The latter was surprised to be greeted by a successful, obviously well-educated man in a fine neighborhood. He had arranged to meet the man just after dinner time, so the two hopped into the car and drove to the ice cream store. It was vanilla ice cream that night and, sure enough, after they came back to the car, it wouldn't start.

The engineer returned for three more nights. The first night, the man got chocolate. The car started. The second night, he got strawberry. The car started. The third night he ordered vanilla. The car failed to start.

Now the engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this man's car was allergic to vanilla ice cream. He arranged, therefore, to continue his visits for as long as it took to solve the problem. And toward this end he began to take notes: he jotted down all sorts of data, time of day, type of gas used, time to drive back and forth, etc.

In a short time, he had a clue: the man took less time to buy vanilla than any other flavor. Why? The answer was in the layout of the store.

Vanilla, being the most popular flavor, was in a separate case at the front of the store for quick pickup. All the other flavors were kept in the back of the store at a different counter where it took
considerably longer to find the flavor and get checked out.

Now the question for the engineer was why the car wouldn't start when it took less time. Once time became the problem -- not the vanilla ice cream -- the engineer quickly came up with the answer:
vapor lock. It was happening every night, but the extra time taken to get the other flavors allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to start. When the man got vanilla, the engine was still too hot for the vapor lock to dissipate.

Moral of the story: even insane-looking problems are sometimes real.


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Joseph W. Pitt.
Copyright 1997 . All rights reserved.
Revised: February 15, 2005
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